misery

every inch of today has been laced with this emotion titled 'sadness'

awoke too early, couldn't get back to sleep, tossed, turned, fell asleep, cycle repeat, woke up stuffy, stifled by duvet in unnecessarily humid surroundings

a whole sunday spent in tears, grief

i am still unrecovered from this 'loss'

i don't even know if i can call it a loss

it's not death (it might be) but the noun for lose is certainly loss, and i did lose you

tried to exile self from social networks

found self drawn to release via tweets

nobody listens to me, except self

thinking about it now, i don't even listen to self

hardly listen to the rational side of self anyway

i have said 'self' five times, once in every sentence of previous paragraph

felt things like

'inadequate' — can't match up to your ideas of success

'small' — when you flatter other people but not me

'pathetic' — why don't i have the capacity to match up

'stupid' — for feeling such emotions

been saying this countless times: need a job, one that pays at least three hundred dollars a month (that isn't a lot right?) maybe i'll go be an ice cream/ yogurt girl just for the sake of earning some extra cash... $5/hr x 3hrs x 20 = $300

the months of july and august are going to slap my face financially

i am going to save 3/4 of my allowance in june

and eat at home daily

"whoever said money can't buy happiness obviously didn't know where to shop"

i agree; retail therapy is still therapy

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happy birthday papa xx

i wonder if you think about me as much as i think about you

or think of me at all

literal day dreams

words consume me but they never set me free. stuck in a spiral of writing, and rewriting, and writing again, backspacing, entering, reformatting, rethinking the angle, editing, rewriting, writing again... only occasionally being satisfied with the result

imagine:
two bodies found in river, wrists tied together with red string
you would think the elders disagreed on a future marriage
but! PLOT TWIST!!!
suicide note: our parents wanted us to be together, but we didn't want their approval

started a new ~thing~ where i think of least likely outcomes in several possible situations
it is fun
today i thought of going grocery shopping and not having enough money to pay for my microwavable pizza
most likely outcome: thrust frozen box back into freezer, drag feet out of supermarket

however, least likely outcome!!!:
pull hoodie over head, grab pizza box and hide it under black "i love paris" t shirt (a t shirt way too warm for capricious singapore humidity... actually not unpredictable at all seeing as it is humid 24/7), jump onto supermarket conveyor belt, scream I AM THE SWAN QUEEN and jump down and run home

highly unlikely.

also now, i am highly tempted to conduct that experiment and see what happens
and then i can play around with the outcomes of that circumstance in my head

it just hit me
this huge truck full of reason slammed into my body and i hit the concrete, but instead of feeling my ribs whack against the ground, i feel myself float, like a balloon escaping an ugly child's fingers
it's an epiphany, i feel like einstein

it just hit me how much you must love me
to have stuck with me until now
to have told me "you are beautiful" and mean it
to have done all you have done

never mind whatever flaws
never mind the fights we've had, all over stupid STUPID things
wish i could take so much back
wish i could take your hurt back

i love you
and i am so so stupid
but i will love you better, i promise

hurry

"to dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or you are feeling emotionally drained"

unexpected inaccuracy in pinpointing my sentiments

wildflowers are in bloom
but like every other living thing
they will die when winter comes

winter is here

how hard the nights are

and saying it the simplest way:

cold night
big bed
me, albeit not small, but small enough to feel alone drowning in sheets

possible 'out's

1 stick head into sea
2 pack bags and go live in US place for ~unknown~ period of time
3 a long nap

i guess i know what's the only currently viable option

imagine standing atop the edge of cliff
look down
waves are crashing, white foam encompassed by deep blue
think about jumping

breathe in, out
no time to think any more
if you don't do it now, there won't be another time to do it
hurry!
they are coming
you have three seconds
3 2 1
good bye

"this place smells like your house... it's wonderful"

it is nice to know that you enjoy my scent and the scent of the surroundings i have spent almost three years inhabiting. or maybe you are fond of it because it's a 'part' of me

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men's fashion week 2012 was... pretty good. best seats to take pictures from, albeit not front row. the best part of mfw was having dtf (xlbs!!!) for dinner. too many abbreviations in the previous sentence.

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i abhor the new blogger layout
it is ugly, cold, and feels clinically non-personal
there are pros but the cons outweigh them

would like to switch to another blogging platform, but

option 1, tumblr - feel like it's geared more towards visual > read/write purposes (via vark modalities for learning information)

option 2, wordpress - just no, too boring/ serious/ i don't even have my own domain

option 3, livejournal - seems like the best option but to me it's too much of a clusterfuck of people who write artistically (somewhat), and i'm not one of them. neither do i want to be. it's like a status i need to 'live up to' and i just do not want to dedicate myself or commit. not because i'm a commitment phobe, but because

i don't know
why is life so tough
maybe i should buy a domain

but what is the point, paying to write your thoughts... it is not as if i have a following/ readers who give a fuck if i stopped writing

the problem is... i write too much for myself. actually, how is that a problem??? it's what i started out writing here for, myself. not for anyone else. but when you realise that there are people who read your words, there is a ~feeling~ that plagues your mind, the catalyst to which you change your manner of writing.

i am over thinking, over analysing - something i have a talent for doing. fuck you blogger for changing your site layout. you are now as irrelevant as facebook. that being said, facebook lost its glimmer four years ago

still hate myself for not clicking "check out" sooner on the zara website. i will always hate myself for that... say au revoir to ~dream pair of shoes~

feels materialistic... but i don't care. our bourgeois society doesn't have room for differentiating 'needs' and 'wants'

if you want to have children

make the fuck sure they are always your priority

i don't get you, you've lost yourself

and you're losing me in the process

distress

one of the worst nights i've had in a really long time

even now after i've supposedly 'recovered', my stomach is still churning and my chest is really uncomfortable

tearing incessantly

shivered so hard for thirty minutes straight - teeth chattering, body shuddering in full throttle

threw up four times

almost called a cab to the hospital because i myself was starting to worry

and still through all of that

i had only one thing on my mind - just one thing, and that was keeping you safe and happy

wish you were here when i needed you most

would like to sew my hand to yours à la together forever

of course it isn't your fault

do not worry

i love you

(something) is tugging my heart or mind (i can't place the feeling)

i'm not angry though, and i'm not upset at all. i've have always known i'm alone when it comes to certain things, and this just happens to be one of the battles i face by myself. i will eventually learn to get through this, i'm sure of that. at least, i hope

hope: a cruel concept

harsh, biting and bitter

nobody is ever there when you really really need them. sure there's the friends whom you love but certain things are told to certain friends. and it just so happens that those certain friends you need at a particular point in time are missing.

i haven't needed someone so much in this way, in a long time. and all i needed was someone to talk to, hold me, calm me down. make me feel safe.

everyone's status was 'unavailable'

i guess from now on my status will be 'away' for good

i am unsure of whether to post this

i am unsure why i wrote it; usually writing is cathartic but this time i don't feel liberated

but i am sure that these are my thoughts and feelings

i am sure that this might cause anyone who reads it pain or anguish or

and i am sure that i will make it through with aforementioned 'anyone'

my stomach is also hurting like a bitch now... i find it quite funny that even in unsettling moments like these i can still find it in me to be lighthearted. that gives me hope. hope, the brutal principle.

i guess i will be okay

i have you

and that will make me more okay

first-class weekend

on saturday i was woken up with temptation 'noodles for lunch', then decided to devour watermelon instead. brain has started attending 'healthy living 101' class

drove to town with the intention of actually buying mother's DVN dress but somehow ended up at zara... it is somewhat nauseating to blow so much money on clothes, but what stunning structures and designs; a silk dress patterned macro shot of smoke in shades of dark inky purple and lilac - so beautiful but in the fitting room, ugly body only marred it. the 3.1 phillip lim dip-dyed pieces i never managed to find appeared in wallet-friendly prices, can you imagine my joy

also, garments screaming 'mermaid' were incredibly hard to say no to, but when you think 'will i ever use this'/ 'no'/ 'you're not 12 get a grip', you manage it

ramen at ippudo for a really early dinner, drove home and then ran almost four km in total. gagged on my own dry throat in the process, threw up. mother pushed me, she's a pusher à la mrs norbury. whole body burned, could feel heat resonating from red skin, head was spinning. thought of gulping cold water to spur self home at the speed of a dehydrated desert child

spent sunday flopping on the cool marble floor, remedy to intense humidity, until saviour (aka baby apricot) appeared outside sliding doors. flopped around bed then lunch - mother's solution to everything: ordering mcd's. swam ~10 laps~ of the pool with baby apricot, dunking ensued, hugo and kat flopped in the water, flopping seems to be a family thing. dropped one diamond earring in the water, found the diamond but lost it's backing + the backing of another earring. felt so damn foolish for swimming with jewelry

walked to galbiati gourmet deli for late-ish dinner, settled comfortably next to train tracks/ road. said out loud 'cigarettes would be nice right now' then baby apricot said 'but both of us quit'. meals were basically carbs - risotto, aglio olio, penne, spaghetti, hot chocolate lava cake, crème brûlée. conversation revolved around similarities in both our relationships. success double date, content with affinity

it was a really good weekend